Matt's Humor Page


Table of contents in no particular order whatsoever: Last Updated June 6th, 2004

Funny Stuff on my pages:

Funny stuff on other poeple's pages & Comic Strips


Real Life Warnings:

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All I Really Need to Know I Learned from My Computer


All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned right here in the computer labs. Illumination was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but right there in front of the computer monitors. These are the things I learned. Everything you need to know is here somewhere:

  1. Share all your executables.
  2. Pay for your shareware.
  3. Don't hit the computer.
  4. Back up files after you have found them.
  5. Clean up your own messy desktop.
  6. Don't copy software that is not yours.
  7. Make a smiley when you send someone a nasty message.
  8. Wash your hands before you type.
  9. Flush your buffers.
  10. M&Ms and a cold can of Coke are good for you.
  11. Live a student's life--learn some and think some and MacDraw and vi and Readnews and play Tetris and hack every day some.
  12. Take a break every two hours from staring at the terminal.
  13. When you go out in the world, watch out for network traffic, hold connections and stick together.
  14. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little bytes in the chip: The code goes in and the graphics come out and nobody really knows how or why, but computers are all like that.
  15. Pets and Lisas and DN350s and even the little bytes in the chip all die. So do we.
  16. And then remember the Computer Reference Manuals and the first command you learned--the biggest command of all--Quit.

--Ann Gordon (anng@caen.engin.umich.edu)

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Hugging

Hugging is healthy. It helps the body?s immunty system; it keeps you healthier, it cures depression, it reduces stress, it induces sleep, it?s invigorating, it?s rejuvenating; it has no unpleasant side effects, and hugging is nothing less than a miracle drug.

Hugging is all natural. It is organic, naturally sweet, no pesticedes, no preservaties, no artificial ingredients and 100% wholesome.

Hugging is practically perfect. There are no movable parts, no batteries to wear out, no periodic checkups, low energy consumption, high energy yield, inflation proof, non-fattening, no monthly payments, no insurance requirements, theft proof, non-taxable, non-polluting and, of course, fully returnable.

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According to a recent government publication ...

A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury...

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Dear Abby,

I have two brothers, one works at IBM, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells narcotics.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl and want to marry her.

My problem is this:

Shall I tell her about my brother who works at IBM?

Sincerely,
Fred

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Elephant Jokes, Part I


The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."

The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."

The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"

Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than people"

The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"

And <fill-in random Eastern European Country> submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

--------------------

Elephant Jokes, Part II

How many elephants can you fit into a mini?
4, two in the front and two in the back.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
Chicken's day off.

Why do elephants have Big Ears?
Because Babar won't pay the ransom.

Why have elephants got four feet?
Because seven inches just isn't enough.

How do you know if there is an elephant raiding your fridge?
Footprints in the custard.

How do you know if there are two elephants raiding your fridge?
1 set of footprints in the custard, and 1 in the butter.

How do you know if there are three elephants raiding your fridge?
2 sets of footprints in the custard, and 1 in the butter.

How do you know if there are four elephants raiding your fridge?
Theres a mini parked outside!

What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
About 7 km/h

How do you know if you pass an elephant?
You can't get the toilet seat down.

What is the difference between and elephant and a prune?
Their colour of course!

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill.
"Here come the elephants, over the hill"

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognise them.

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Here comes the prunes over the hill (she was colour-blind)

How many giraffes can you fit in a mini?
None, the elephants are in there!

Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in Cherry trees!

How did Tarzan die?
Eating cherries!

Why are gnomes so short?
Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
Slow pygmies.

Why do elephants tie springs to their feet?
So they can bounce up the trees and rape monkeys.

What sound to monkeys fear most?
Booooiiiiiinnnngggg Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
4 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)

Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?
Because if it was small, white and smooth, it would be an Aspirin.

How do you make an elephant fly?
Start with a 3 foot zipper.

1: It says in this book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys!
2: Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?

What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
An elephant with spare parts

Why did the elephant cross the road?
To pick up the squashed chicken.

Why do elephants drink?
To forget.


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TidBITS Web Surfing Party Game

by Jeffrey Carlson <kepi@halcyon.com>

With the recent rise of "Geek culture," the long-held misperception that computer users are solitary, electronic slaves is slowly receding like a ten percent drop shadow. Geeks have asserted for years that they can party as hard as any testosterone-filled football player. To prove it, we present the TidBITS Web Surfing Party Game (TBWSPG, pronounced "Fred").

Fred is best experienced in a group setting (say, a rack of office cubicles at lunchtime), but you can also play at home alone or networked, of course. To play, choose your favorite drink, connect to your ISP, and start surfing the Web. Remember to be responsible, and hand over the mouse when you've drunk too much.

**Drink once if:**

**Drink twice if:**

**Special:**


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